Published Online October 31, 2016
Turnabout is fair play.
“Soon, you will be one of us, my dear.” The werewolf growled, licking his chops. He calmly approached his next victim, his hands raised up to reveal bared claws.
In a corner of the tool shed she had sought refuge in, a young woman held a shovel; her last defense against her attacker.
“No! Get away!” She screamed, wildly swinging the shovel as hard as she could.
The werewolf easily dodged the attack. The shovel harmlessly clanged against the metal wall of the tool shed. Before she could draw it back for another swing, the werewolf grabbed it. He easily pulled it out of her hands and threw it behind him. The shovel noisily clattered on the dirt floor.
“Now, where were we?” The werewolf paused. “Oh, yes. You. I think the pack will be most pleased with our newest addition.” He grinned.
The woman gasped. She raised her hands to her chest and rapidly looked from side to side, desperate to find another weapon. Just as the werewolf was about to reach her, she fainted. As she fell towards him, the werewolf caught her in his arms and held her against his chest.
“That was too easy.” He gloated. “Now for a little…OW!” He yelped before pushing the young woman back. She took a step back, seemingly none the worse for wear.
“YOU BIT ME!” The incredulous werewolf yelled. He looked down at his chest where a fresh bite mark could just be seen. He whimpered and pawed at it, sniffling.
“Yeah. Like, I know, fuzzface. Bleah!” The woman retched. She reached into her jean shorts for a package of gum. “That’s like, always the worst part.” She muttered. She pulled out a stick of gum and popped it into her mouth. After taking a few loud chews, she motioned the package towards the werewolf. “Gum?” She offered.
“What just happened here?” The werewolf asked, tilting his head slightly.
The young woman continued to chew loudly while answering: “Okay, sooo, instead of me joining your band of toe-dally guh-rody werewolves, you get to like toe-dally join my club!”
“Your club?” The werewolf asked, tilting his head in the opposite direction. “You’re a monster, too?”
“Not exactly, fuzzy.” She replied. “You see, a long time ago, my grandparents and a bunch of other old guys got together and decided to do something about you dumb werewolves.” She contorted her face and clawed at the air. “Rarr!” She growled, before relaxing and examining her fingernails. “All that killing and biting and making more werewolveses just isn’t cool, you know?” She continued.
The werewolf scowled. “Go on.”
“So they did some magic stuff to my mom and dad when they were babies and to me and my sisters when we were babies so we can like toe-dally take you guys out of the picture and everyone can totally be in peace!” She paused to pop her gum. “Isn’t that awesome!”
“You hunt werewolves, then?”
“I guess you could call it that…but not really, you know? You guys do tend to come to us.”
“And you bit me…“
“So, *gulp* I’m going to die, now?”
“I’m going to turn back into a human?”
“Uh, like, no.”
“SO WHAT HAPPENS?”
The young woman raised her hand to speak, then paused. She popped her gum again and looked at the ceiling. “Hold on, I should remember this part. Ugh, what did Mom say?”
The werewolf whimpered. All sorts of gruesome endings for him played out in his mind while his victim-turned-attacker babbled to herself.
The young woman’s face lit up and she snapped her fingers. “Okay! Now I remember!” She raised her hands towards the werewolf and began speaking in what sounded (to her) like a spooky voice: “To rid the world of werewolves, we must remove their car, carney, carnal…wait, what’s that word? When you eat meat? There’s a word? Oh, it’s like, right on the tippy-tip of my tongue.” The young woman stuck her tongue out and crossed her eyes.
“Ya, that’s it! Thanks, fuzzface.” She resumed her spooky-ish narration: “We must rid the werewolves of their carney-voore-ous desires. So go forth and bring justice to them in the same way they have bought destruction…with a bite!” She exclaimed. She stood up straight and, extended her arms out to her sides. She dropped them and slapped them against her thighs with a loud smack. “And that’s, like, my story!”
“Yeah. Meat is going to be like totally grody to you now.”
The werewolf leisurely made a circle around the bite mark with a claw. “Huh. I don’t feel any different…let me see your hand.” With a huff, the young woman extended an open hand to the werewolf, who sniffed at it. “Nothing.” He shrugged his shoulders and licked her palm.
“Ewww!” They both cried. The young woman pulled her hand back and shook it in the air. There werewolf smacked his mouth loudly.
The werewolf gasped: “You taste terrible!”
“Yup! That means you’re cured!“
“You mean, cursed…”
“Whatever you wanna call it. Congratulations, fuzzface, you are now a vegan!”
“NOOO!” He howled into the night.