I wrote this little satire back in 2008, recorded it in 2012, and after a little bit of rework, here it is again. Enjoy!
After all the ads, all the news, a quick trip to the library to vote, and watching over three hours of news coverage, its all over. Barack Obama will be the next President of The United States of America.
I don’t think I have ever been prouder to be a citizen of this country.
I would like to begin by thanking those of you that did not register to vote in time for the election. I would also like to thank those of my fellow citizens that will be too busy, away from their home districts, or that will simply forget to vote. This message is not intended for you, as you are already supporting my campaign and I thank you wholeheartedly.
Instead, I wish to address those of you who intend to cast your vote. If you have already voted then I have come to you too late, but there is always next time. I encourage you to print this out and place it next to your voter registration card.
Who am I? I may be conservative, liberal, or somewhere in between. I may be pro-life, pro-choice, or perhaps I do not care. I may be rich from birth, rich from hard work, living from paycheck to paycheck, or struggling to survive. I may have been born on the same day as you; or be old enough to be your parent, or young enough to be your child. I may be happily single, happily married, or even happily divorced. I may support your views entirely or find them to be absurd.
I assure you that I am a fellow citizen of the United States of America, and you can trust me to vote in your best interests.
You will be told: “If you do not vote, then you have no right to complain.” I would like to remind you that this is the land of free speech, and thus, you have the right to complain as much as you wish. I will be more than happy to listen to your complaints when the propositions that you support are not passed. When candidates that share your views are not elected, I will be there to listen to your complaint as well. Rest assured, I will use my vote wisely.
Another reason I do not want you to vote is that by not voting, you increase the power of my vote. If every able-bodied citizen voted, then every person would possess an equal amount of power. When fewer people vote, those that do vote have move power. Consider this: if 1 out of every 4 people votes, the one person who does vote is making decisions and electing officials for the other three. I rather like the idea of representing multiple citizens with my vote. I could be considered a representative myself, albeit of a very small district. You can be confident that I have every intention of putting your non-vote to good use.
Perhaps the best reason I can give you not to vote is that I wish to become the President of The United States of America. There is nothing wrong with that; I believe every citizen does at some point in their lives, whether it is in the wistful daydreams of childhood or the aspirations of a congressperson or a governor. My plan is simple; if I can convince every other person in the United States of America to abstain, then I will simply walk into the voting booth on Election Day and write myself in. That said, under such circumstance there would also be nothing to stop me from being your governor, mayor, councilman, dogcatcher, or even all of them. Don’t worry, I will do a good job and support all of your interests once I am in office.
I look forward to not seeing you at the polls in the future and I hope you will help spread my message from sea to shining sea across these United States of America.
After all, if you cannot trust me, than whom can you trust?